


Abandonment Issues

by Jonnor_isnt_dead



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7871608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonnor_isnt_dead/pseuds/Jonnor_isnt_dead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Connor moves back to San Diego, he goes looking for Jude. What he finds is not at all what he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abandonment Issues

For the first time in over a year, Connor Stevens was in front of this door again. The door that led to where his heart had lain back in middle school, and, to be honest, where it still was. The last year had been hard: he’d only been able to watch Jude’s life from social media and updates from Daria. It was harder than anyone could imagine. At first, when he’d learned of Jude and Taylor's relationship he was slightly confused -  _ is this what he had meant by saying he's not gay? _ \- only to have that shut down when he’d found out about Noah and Jude from Facebook. He had felt like such an idiot that night. He hadn’t told Jude of his presence, when he came back to San Diego to try and work things out with his father, because he was still scared of a second rejection. Then, after seeing the picture of Noah and Jude, he had remembered that not much earlier he had posted a picture of his own with one of his friends in Los Angeles. But his silent pining over social media resulted in sadness as the relationship kept going on, and by the pictures it looked like a healthy relationship. 

 

But that was before. Halfway through his freshman year he decided that he needed to move on as Jude had, so he started dating again. He had a good amount of relationships, but he could never help but compare them with him  and Jude, and they always came short. He kept thinking about Jude. He realized that every boy that he tried to date in LA never worked out for him because they weren't Jude. He couldn't do what Jude was doing. He couldn't move on like he had. 

 

But now Connor was back, ready to fight for what he knew he wanted more than anything - Jude. He had come home to San Diego to live with his dad again, who had gone through a lot of progress since the last time he’d seen him. 

 

So there he was in front of the door, ready to face whatever lay behind it, though he wished so much that it was a second chance at him and Jude. So he knocked. 

 

“Hello, can I help you?” the woman behind the door asked. She didn't look familiar. 

 

“Umm… Yes, I'm looking for Jude Adams-Foster.”

 

“Oh, I'm so sorry. The Adams-Fosters sold this house about half a year ago.”

 

Connor was shocked - he hadn't heard about this on Jude’s social media. But the more he thought about it, there hadn't been much activity at all. He wondered where Jude had gone, desperately hoping he wasn’t back in the system, with the stories he had heard about it from Jude.  But his train of thought was interrupted by the fact that he hadn't responded to the woman. 

 

“Oh. Do you know where they moved to?”

 

“I wish I knew, but I’m afraid not.”

 

“Okay, thanks anyway.”

 

With that, he left the house and went to find Daria, the one friend he had left in San Diego, to understand why exactly she hadn't told him of this development. 

 

“Umm. Was I supposed to?” Daria responded, not even turning around.

 

“Yes, of course! How else was I supposed to know where to find Jude when I got back?”

 

“Wait, why did you want to find Jude?”

 

“Isn't it obvious?!” Connor said, a bad feeling beginning to rise in his gut.

 

“Um, no.  What's obvious is the number of guys on your track record, and the number of couple pics on your Instagram. That gave us the impression that you're over him.  No one even thought that was an option anymore?”

 

“I’ve  _ always  _ been an option…  And why do you keep talking about Jude like he's a group project?”

 

“Do you seriously know nothing about him?”

 

“Pretty much.  He hasn't posted anything on social media for a while,  so I don't know what been going on with him.”

 

“He's been in rehab twice now. Both times failed.” Daria said as she changed her tone from her usual sass to concern.

 

“Rehab? For what? Why the hell was he in rehab twice?”

 

“Well the first time was pot, and the second was anxiety pills.”

 

“What the hell?  Is he okay?”

 

“I don't know.” She sounded defeated

 

“What do you mean _you don't know_? Where is he?!”

 

“He hasn't spoken to anyone since his second time out, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see you.”

 

“Well I want to see him.”

 

“Fine, but if you fuck him up more, you'll have hell to pay.” 

  
  


With that, Connor was thoroughly confused. Jude was always the good kid.  He never even talked badly about anyone in school. But drugs? That was never a scenario with Jude. So much had happened since he left. He wondered if Jude’s boyfriend was at fault,  because if he was, then Connor wouldn't hesitate to hurt him. Jude was such an amazing person. He was not a drug addict. Jude was beautiful, and he didn't deserve to have a life like this. 

 

Once he’d followed the address Daria had given him to the new Adams-Foster residence, an apartment, he knocked frantically. He couldn't wait to see Jude again and get to the bottom of the problem.  However, there was no answer to his knocking. He tried again,  but still no one answered. Trying to see if he could look through a window, he left the porch to walk around the building. At the bottom of the stairs he found a small-looking ball of a person curled up underneath the stairs.  Connor went to go see if the person knew if Jude was home  but what he got was completely unexpected. 

 

It was Jude, curled under the stairs. He was asleep, cheeks stained with tears, hair barely poking out of his black sweater. His breathing was slow and calm; chest slowly rising and falling, allowing a bottle of pills to fall out of his pocket. Connor went to grab them to see what they were, but his movements must have woken Jude, because as his hand reached the bottle, Jude’s hand clamped around his wrist. 

 

“Put them down, Callie,” Jude said, still slightly asleep. “For the last time, the pain never stops, so I'm not gonna stop. Now leave me alone.” Connor couldn't have ever imagined Jude to be like this. He never imagined Jude could be so… broken. 

 

Connor put the bottle down and started to back away. But he couldn't leave. He just sat there and tried not to cry.  Seeing the boy across from him so broken hurt him in a way he couldn't explain. Stifling back tears and choking on his own breath, he managed to wake Jude enough for his eyes to open.  

 

When Jude saw who was in front of him, his expression changed so much from the calm of sleep. Connor could see the fear in his eyes. Jude backed himself further into the corner and curled in on himself. 

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” 

 

Connor was still in a trance though, from seeing Jude like this, and he couldn't form any words. 

 

“Hello?!  What the hell are you doing here?! You need to leave.” Jude said as he turned his body away from Connor.

 

“Leave? I can't leave. Jude, you're on fucking pills! What the hell Jude? How did you even get hooked in the first place?”

 

“What? The pills or the pot?”

 

“I guess both?”

 

“Well Noah got me into pot, and-” Connor cut Jude off before he could finish.

 

“Noah? Your boyfriend?”

 

“My  _ ex-boyfriend _ . And you know what? No, nevermind. You have no fucking right to know. Hell, you don’t even have the right to be here” Jude sounded extremely angry, but even more hurt.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you Jude?”

 

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?! You come here asking questions and expect a fucking answer?! Why even bother fucking acting like you care?”

 

“I do care, J-”

 

“No.” He lowered his voice into a calmer tone. “You don't care, you didn’t -” now tears were glistening his eyes and he was whispering, “You left. You fucking left.”

 

“ I…”  Connor said in disbelief. “You told me to leave. I wouldn't've gone if you told me not to.”

 

“How could you not have known that I didn't want you to go? You  _ knew _ me Connor. You knew who I was, and what I’d gone through. Did you seriously not think that I have problems with abandonment?” As Jude finished, it hit Connor hard. Jude had said  _ ‘knew’ _ .

 

“I didn't  _ abandon _ you, you told me to leave!”

 

“Yeah, because  wanted you to be happy, living with someone who loved, and accepted you!”

 

“Do you think I was happy when you broke up with me?”

 

“Well, you did move on rather quickly.” Jude said, motioning to his phone.

 

“Move on?! Jude, I only ever  _ tried _ to move on after you did.”

 

“Really now? Then how the fuck do you explain when you one, came to San Diego without saying anything, and two, posted a picture of you and your new boyfriend the very same day?”

 

“Okay, first of all, I didn't tell you I was back then because every time I thought of you, let alone  _ see _ you, I still cried and I didn't feel like having my heart broken a second time. And I didn't get into any relationship until after you and Noah, that picture was of me and my friend. My  _ straight _ friend.” Connor said, tears now threatening to fall down his face from utter frustration. 

 

They sat in silence for a while, trying to understand what had been said. Trying to understand what had been implied and what had been confessed.

 

“That doesn't excuse the fact that you left.” Jude said, breaking the silence. “Everything good in my life always leaves. And now that I was finally getting to keep things. A house, my family, and you. And then you left, and I was right back to where everything and everyone abandoned me.”

 

“Why did you tell me to go then? I could've waited for you.”

 

“And let you get neglected by your dad? No, I already had to endure that, I didn't want you to. So I thought I could do it, because I wouldn't lose you. But then i realised that I did lose you. As a friend. I couldn't go to school and see you, or go over to your house to hang out. Everything that made us friends wasn't there anymore. And it was like you never noticed that. You kept on going like everything was normal, when it wasn't anymore. And all those feelings of being abandoned before came back, and I never wanted to feel that way again. I thought if I ended it, the pain would go away, but it didn't.” Jude was fully crying now, hiccuping as he spoke. “And now I've lost everything. I lost you, I lost my home, I lost jack, I lost… fucking hope. It's just so much easier to be alone here. If I don't gain anything, I can't lose anything. And so I don't feel the pain of what I lost before, I sit here and pop pills until I pass out.” Jude had let everything out, to the point where he was now shaking. “Ever since my second time out, I can't help but see the appealing side of not having to feel ever again.”

 

Connor was stunned again. He hadn't expected for Jude to talk to him about this. He hadn’t expected to have found Jude here. He never expected that he would even be here, with a broken Jude, something he never  _ wanted _ to see, and yet here he was. He couldn't bear to see Jude like this. Knowing that it was his fault made it even worse. He was the root cause of all of Jude’s pain. 

 

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jude. I never meant to do this.” Jude just stared at Connor in disbelief. “I'm sorry now, and I understand what I did. And I never want you to feel this way again. I'm so sorry.” Connor stood, in tears, and made his way to the entrance of the apartment complex. His hand shook as he turned the knob. But he walked out with purpose, thinking that he could stop Jude's pain just as he caused it. Because Jude was stronger than him, Jude would be able to move on. He would be able to be happy without Connor.

 

The thought brought him to his knees on the sidewalk. Strong was only a word that described him physically; emotionally, he was the exact opposite. But he had to do this for Jude, the boy he loved.  _ Loved _ , the fact hit him hard as he had realised it too late. Connor’s train of thought was broken though, as he heard a familiar, yet broken voice behind him.

 

“Where the fuck are you going?”

 

“Away from you, so you can be happy.”

 

“Do you seriously think that's the answer? After everything you did, you think the best thing is to leave again?”

 

“Do you see what I've done to you? This is all because of me.” Connor said, standing and trying to put distance between himself and Jude.

 

“Yes. Because you left.  _ Please _ . Don't do it again.”

 

“What am I supposed to do, Jude?! To know I put you through all this. To see you broken like this. It's so fucking painful to see.” Connor let the tears fall and stain his cheeks, matching Jude. “I never want you to feel this way, but I don't know what to do. Everything I touch, I break. I hurt so many guys in LA because I wasn't strong enough to move on from you. And as soon as I started to realize I liked guys, my parents’ marriage began to fall apart. I don't want to hurt you even more than I already have, but the only thing I can think to do is stay away so that I can stop myself from touching you.” Connor began to cry, the ugliest he ever had since the breakup. “It's already so difficult to stop myself from reaching out and holding you until you stop hurting, but I know that once I touch you, I could break you. I don't care if  _ I _ hurt, I just don't want you to.  So  _ please,  _ what do I do? How do I fix this, without hurting you even more?”

 

“By doing exactly what you're trying to stop yourself from doing!  _ Stay _ . Hold me until I don't hurt anymore. Be  _ here _ .” Jude paused, looking intently at Connor to gauge his reaction. Connor attempted to keep a straight face, but staring back at Jude he could see all the anger and frustration melt away, to be replaced with love. Jude still loved Connor. “Promise you won't ever leave me again?”

 

“I promise.” Connor said,  moving towards Jude to embrace him. As Connor wrapped his arms around Jude, he felt Jude tense up. Jude’s breath hitched at Connors touch, and he slowly melted into the hug. Jude squeezed tighter as Connor thought: he thought about why he left, but, even more, about why he was going to stay. He promised to stay not only because he knew that he could never leave - Jude was too perfect for that - but also because loved him too much. 


End file.
